Bare grace Misery english version
by Nadia Blackrose
Summary: Title taken from a song of Nightwish because it reminds me of Leah.In this short story Leah Clearwater states her own point of view during the events of Twilight and tries to become a better person while she is leaving La Push. Discontinued.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

**Who I am...**

(It is most obvious that I don't own The Twilight Saga nor the characters involved in the books. This is the english version of my greek story Bare grace misery in which Leah Clearwater is the main character. I'd like to inform you that I have read all of the books from Twilight and there are some spoilers in this short story,so read at your own cost.

_It was my perfect chance to forget of my destiny...or change it,somehow. I would try my best as far as possible since I would be away from every bitter memory that reminded me the vital reason I was still in pain. And this pain was called Sam...my ex-boyfriend. Wish I had died the same very moment that he imprinted on my first cousin,Emily. But most of all,I hated the fact that we both were werewolves,even though the Volturi's last visit informed us that this was not the exact word to describe our tribe and our ability to transform into wolves. We,the shapeshifters exist for one purpose:to protect our lands from our most dangerous enemies,the cold ones,or else the bloodsuckers. We live in packs just like the real wolves but we also possess two special abilities:the first is that while being in a pack we can all hear each other's thoughts. And the second and most painful ability is...imprintment...Whether you have a relationship or not,once you find the person who's the perfect match for you,you fall instantly in love with him once and for all...and forget your possible previous relationship..._

_This is what happened to me...i was forgotten,left alone by someone who abandoned me for my first cousin...although I knew he could not control it due to our nature as shapeshifters,and I also knew he felt guilty for leaving me like it could not be helped. I hated being such a monster,and also hated being in his pack,too. He was always there to remind me of the tragedy that occured to me...reading my unpleasant thoughts,hearing my bitter words of agony and hatred. At least,I had got pretty cheerful when Sam had lost control and ruined Emily's face. I had hoped that his love would faint along with her beauty. But it did not. Neither of them stopped loving each other...but also their love grew stronger and deeper roots full of honesty,understanding and sincereness... Imprintment is said to be a sign which indicates our tribe to whom we'll be able to produce strong shapeshifters. So much for reproduction...insticts which take over every living soul within this planet...But I...I can't imprint,neither be imprinted on,because it's a long time since I last had my menstruation...I can't produce not even a single human being,let alone a shapeshifter..._


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**Flowing Tears...**

_It is only funny how speed and my flow of thoughts can exist together for me,combined and mixed as if they were attached to a perfect chain_,I was thinking while I was looking outside from the cruiser Charlie was driving. I was watching the vanishing sceneries,the trees which were being covered by the thick fumes the car was leaving behind and all that remained was the dust from the places my eyes would never see again...not unless it was absolutely necessary. Besides,my existence was not the most pleasurable thing in this-all in all-pleasant place,even though vampires-and the traitor who decided to become a member of their family-still inhabit these lands. Bella...The point is that I don't care what she did or she's still doing,but her reckless decisions led Charlie to become my new father in the end. You see,thanks to her constant and unbearable absence he found-of all the women-comfort and companion in my mother's arms. He had almost forgotten that my mother was the wife of one of his best friends,who happens to be lying on a deep silent grave-rest in peace dad-(I know it's so difficult for you with all those things that take place in your home now.)However,it was not only Charlie the one to blame. He had been divorced and got over his ex-wife many years ago,whereas it's not a long time since my mother lost her husband. So early did she accept another man in her life. I wonder,how many similarities could I share with my father?We've been both betrayed from the people we loved the most in our lives...I was betrayed from my beloved Sam...and he was betrayed from two women...the first one is my mother,and the second...me myself...!!_If only he hadn't seen my brother and I phasing...he would not succumb to heart attack..._I was thinking and trying desperately to hold the tears in my eyes before they dropped to my cheeks.

-Are you all right?Charlie told me while he gave a glance at me with affection,as if he knew exactly what I was thinking. It seems he was supposing I was already beginning to feel homesick while he was driving me to the airport.

-It's none of your business. You'll have the greatest time in your life without me. I replied with an almost impassive tone in my voice,as if I was talking to an enemy who had won over me. This battle was eventually over. Charlie had won a place in my family although I was never able to accept that. He was a quiet man,stoic with lots of patience,I have to admit that,if you consider how many insults and acusations he has received from me. But now everything was over,he was the winner,and even better he was the one to enjoy my departure with his very own eyes. He was taking me to the path of my deliverance. I had passed my limits and even though I could not help but thinking,I wasn't allowing myself to lose my self-control in order to avoid phasing and destroy everything of these last vital moments. It was the time I was saying farewell to everyone,even though almost no one knew the exciting news of my future absence. From a point of view,I wish I had some magical ability to listen to their voices inside their mind-maybe it was the only time that I was feeling jealous of Edward Cullen,that odd bloodsucker. Although I had confided in Jacob,quite a long time ago that my life would be far away from La Push when everything was over,(concerning the vampires and the help Bella was offered),he surely had not believed that I meant it and desired it with every living cell of my exhausted existence. Jacob believed that the only place I could find the companion of my life was in La Push...But I was not granted his own lucky destiny,as it turned out to be in the end. Even though he imprinted on that THING who was born from a vampire and a human-back then,he forgot immediately all his pain caused from her. Yes,I would prefer to avoid mentioning their names in hope that I will forget them completely. If vampires did not exist here to threaten our lands,I would never have phased,so my father would be still alive,and I would be more capable of getting over Sam if I was not obligated to see him every day and listen to his thoughts. All those things damaged my soul and I accepted everything,I do not ask for revenge,enough of this damage,I only want to erase the past and go on filled with courage and determination .Already,seeking for a better life,even in thought it strengthens my morale to fight that furry animal within me and bury it deeper than the roots of the trees. Many times I have dreamt that I was running like a crazy cat over isolated dark woods to hide from that carnivore demon-who was not anyone else except for me. But I also have dreamt many times that I kill this filthy thing. Leah Clearwater and Furry Leah had always been two different things in my dreams.(Furry Leah!this is how my younger brother Seth had called me once,and I called him back Furry Seth).What a boy!He was a perfect copy of our mother,since they both shared the same damn head. Of course,I was always annoyed and worried by the fact that he liked so much the company of vampires. He still visits them but he's trying not to tell me. I guess,except for Charlie,my brother has won,too,now that he'll be able to visit them without me arguing about that. However,he was my brother,and he knew everything for me and my departure. He was about to burst into tears,but he also knew that he was a strong man who needed to take control of his life himself. I love my brother more than anyone in this world. If it wasn't for him I would surely have had a mental breakdown. I could not afford to think only of myself while he was so young and needed my protection. I guess I must have been overprotective at times,but I adore him with all my heart. Still,If there was a way that he would catch up with me and ask me to stay,I would surely accept...


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**My greatest desire...**

There were many things binding me to this place,where I lived my whole young-yet brief-life,who was full of adventures and mishappenings during it's latest years. In these lands I learnt to walk my very first slow steps when I was just a little baby. Whoever has forgotten his childhood and underestimates the difficulties of learning,just because he's grown enough and considers everything so easy is absolutely wrong. Is there any child who has not fallen off the ground even once,crying desperately in order to get attention,even though the wounds from falling were not severe? Is there any child who never had the slightest difficulty in writing its first letters of the alphabet when it came to school for the very first time? I wasn't such a child,either but I never gave up no matter what.I was falling off the ground while running through the green fields,and I was crying and after I grew up I was fighting with the boys and I was also playing with them at the same time-yes,it is true that I was a tomboy-but for an intangible reason boys were always much more than girls in our lands. Afterwards,I was coming back home and I was hearing the happy voices of my parents who were taking me into their arms and rising me up to the heavens! How happy I was then everytime they did that,feeling that I could touch and conquer all the existing world with only a touch of my little finger. I never had the slightest idea that I would discover feelings like hatred,pain and anger for the injustice mother nature had spread towards the living things that SHE herself created from wisdom and knowledge. Many years were gone before I realised that injustice-and I'm really happy for that knowing somewhere far away there are children who have faced more difficult situations than me. Knowledge of the hard and cruel reality is a really heavy cross to bear especially if you carry him in such a tender period of your life. Hopefuly,I had a very happy and healthy childhood so I would be able to offer similar moments to more children as well.

My love for the children always existed,but this feeling evolved and natured while I was with Sam. Countless nights had he promised me eternal love and a big family full of toddlers running between our legs,smiling and teasing us. I wasn't bothered by the fact that I was still very young-besides my parents were also very young when they got married and produced us (me and my brother). I had found the man who would be my worthy long life companion and the father of our children. However,if you take something for granted then a power from very high above always finds the way to strike you,proving you that is only her who owns the right to decide whether something is meant to be or not .When Sam imprinted on Emily,despite the pain of his treason which was inflicted on me,my maternal instict (which was already mature,waiting for the right time to come to be fulfilled) gave me the strength to consider and realise that someone else would be my perfect love one day. I would find him and make the children I desired so much with my everything... this thought was absolutely liberating and comforting for me for a while. Then,it was that power high above that deprived me of my last living hope... After my first phasing,I never met again the "difficult days of the month"**,like almost all the women say when they have their menstruation. I had a long delay which was quite ominous-how strange is the fact that all women hate menstration but once it is gone they all worry and ask for it!!-but it turned out that this delay was something much worse than just a common pregnancy. From that day my world had sank in an endless mourning ocean of sorrow. There was no word even in the richest languages of the world to describe this hollow nothingness that existed in my soul... There are some injuries that always leave a mark,a scar for example,and even if they heal after a long time and stop hurting you,the scar will always be there to remind you how you got it and how much pain you went through. I had been used to believe that my life from now and then would be an endless torment until that divine power (it doesn't matter if this power is called god or whatever name he or she has in every religion. What really matters is that we all believe in something) would decide my own ending...

**I don't know if this expression exists in more languages,but in Greece the days of menstruation are usually called ''the hard days of the month''.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**An unexpected event...**

Then,there was that day which was not different than the others. I had woken up and got downstairs to the kitchen room-my eyes fell to a newspaper that Charlie had left on the wooden table. Fortunately,he had already departed for his work so we,the three of us had the house free of his presence...

-Can't you just say "Good morning" anymore? asked my mother,whose presence I had forgotten because my eyes were staring to the news I was reading:

**"Mother killed her children. Sent away to Psychological Clinic..."**

-For god's sake! I said loudly full of disgust for learning that terrible event.

-Charlie read it all...you'd better avoid reading such news unless you have a very thick stomach. replied my mum who was not missing a single chance to remind me how important Charlie was for her. I had got pretty embarassed and preferred not to discuss the Charlie theme so early in the morning-I really did not want any more fights-but at least I owed some vital words to my mother.

-Good morning mum... Sorry,I was absorbed. She smiled,making me understand there was no reason to apologise,for she was full of tenderness. Even in our worst fights she never stopped radiating love and warmth for me,the same she did for my brother,too. When we,the two siblings were fighting she was always trying to explain us that we had no reason to do so,because everything within this house was shared.

-Sit down,honey,breakfast's ready. By the way,can you call your brother to join us?

-Let him sleep some more,mum...

-It's not good for him to be outside so late in the night,Leah. I worry about him,wondering where he goes and what he does all this time.

Well now what do you think my answer would be? Should I tell her that he's transforming into a giant wolf to cross the dark woods safely and then visit the ones he calls his friends- who were nothing more than simple vegetarian vampires??!!

-He 's grown and knows how to protect himself now. I replied and tried to be as calm as I could,although she was not the only one who had the right to worry about Seth. Nevertheless,I knew that my words would trigger a much more difficult topic to discuss than that of Seth. She would sigh how quickly time goes by,and that would be the tip of the iceberg. It was just that this time I was feeling something less predictable would happen.

-Oh my...how you've grown...! there she went my mother!

-Natural flow of time. I answered with a cold voice in hope that she would accept it and say nothing more. Time waits for no one,so they say it goes on forever,that is the most undoubted truth that has ever existed since the beginning of creation. I wanted to make her understand that this topic was over. But I wasn't able to,and here she came again to ignite the bomb...

-My sweet Leah,since time flows quickly why don't you decide what to study and where?

-Because I'm not interested in anything. I replied while I was eating my cereals- not cheerfully at all.

-My little bird,I know how much you have suffered but this is not the end! Have you ever thought how good it would be for you to choose a subject,meet someone-maybe from your class-and when everything's well to get married to him? Forget Sam and...

-Stop it! I screamed at her before she could finish her sentence. She didn't realise how painful it was for me to listen to their names- even though they had never abandoned my mind. But these words spoken straight from my own mother's mouth was unbearable. Actually,she believed that if she showed me how things really were,I would realise them and find my old good self-the Leah who had not met Sam yet. So,since my mum run out of ideas she made an attempt to mention a different example and the bomb who was ready to explode was the last thing I could ever expect...

-Leah,look at me. You don't have any idea how much pain I felt when I lost your father and how important he was for me. But I am still a young woman,I am alive,I breathe,I laugh,I cry,I exist whereas he doesn't! And his last wish for me was never to give up,ever!I had to go on with my life,marry a good man who's fullfilling the needs of my soul and built a new family...

I got so angry when she mentioned my father that no god or demon would be able to hold my wrath. How did she dare bringing him into her lips? My dad died in this world but he lives in another one,less hostile and vain,where he expects us all to join him one day... What was she trying to say by the words "new family"??

-What are you talking mum? I asked her with hostility,waiting to get an answer to confirm what was spoken from her mouth the minutes earlier since a very strange thought occured to me for less than a second... Her silence made this suspicious thought of mine grow bigger and last for longer than some seconds since she did not know how to cope with the incident that gave her so much happiness but she was afraid to express it openly because of me...

-I haven't told Charlie yet,I want to make him a suprise. Please,don't tell anyone. Not even your brother.

My face got pretty calm and I promised her to keep my word.

I have to admit-deep inside I was happy by the thought of a new sibling coming although I preferred not to show her so openly. What did it matter if the child belonged to Charlie? It was my mother's,too! Nevertheless,that little demon hiding within every complicated human mind could not leave me in peace. What if Charlie's genes won over and the child ended up being a weird freak like Bella,so anticipating and anti-social? But the good angel within my mind was trying to calm me down. That child was an innocent existence who would built up it's own personality- we the Clearwaters would give a hand to it...


End file.
